My Name Is Khan. Yes. The Fillum...

So I watched MNIK today. After various attempts by me at diverting attention from this possibility (like organising sporadic protests against SRK, recruiting goondas from a small gang called the Shiv Sena to attack theaters or, at the very least, tear up film posters), in a wonderful shock-and-awe type attack this morning, my Ma cornered me and said, "There's a show at 1:00, then 2:30 at the other cinema. I asked everybody and no one's free. Tsk. Sigh. Oh ho." *puppy face* *sad eyes* etc. And that was that.
In spite of the blatant untruth of her statement (Really, Ma? You asked everybody? IN THE WORLD????) what choice had I? The fact of the matter is that if Ma said, "Aaj tak maine tumse kuchh nahin maanga hai, par aaj mangti hoon..," she would be right.
Hmmm.
So off we went, just the two of us. To catch the 2:30 show if you must know. I cheered myself up on the way by playing songs from Ishqiya and Coke Studio. Also, I had only four asshole driver encounters on the road which was way below the Jammu average for a 7 km run. Hence, no road rage.
Film started at 2:40 p.m. We emerged from the hall at 5:20ish.
Let me cut to the chase. Here, in brief, is what stayed with me after:
1. MNIK is too long. A good half hour too long at least, and draggy and slow in places. I must have looked at my watch about 10 times in between. That is a sure sign the film isn't great shakes.
2. SRK didn't piss me off so much. That is not as much as I was expecting him to. (That annoying grin and perfunctory hamming per movie? Not there!) But still, weak research by the writers on Asperger's is quite apparent in him throughout.
3. Kajol pissed me off way more than I expected her to. *shriek!* *nasal* *artificial cute* *shriek!**Miss Snooty Know It All* *shriek!* You get the picture. Her character was lame and irritating to say the least. They didn't even try to make her likeable.
4. The story/plot gets weirder and more incredible as the movie drags on. The hurricane nonsense was epic. By the time we see a 20-something-year-old fake Obama at the end, I was ready to find leprechauns under my seat. Exactly. No relevance.
5. Songs: Meh. You must be kidding. Nothing to write anywhere about.
6. The Mussalman thing: Surprise, surprise! I liked how it was done. For once, a little realism in the depiction of Muslims on screen. [Erm. Except for the gold ring that SRK's character always wears... Maybe no one else noticed it, but to a Muslim (and he's quite devout in the fillum, spouting Hadith and whatnot) it's quite obvious.]
I liked the simple fact that the hijabi women were shown as they would be dressed in the States. Sonya Jehan is especially easy on the eyes. I liked that they show she wants to wear the hijab, not that she's oppressed or browbeaten into wearing it.
No nonsense misquoting or outright mockery of Islamic rituals. Just a quiet periodic reinstating of the fact that the protagonist is an Urdu-speaking Muslim brought up like most regular Urdu-speaking Muslims and you know, some habits stick with us. We all know Surahs, a little hadith, stories of the prohets, simple prayers and whatnot. We say salaam alaikum, khuda haafiz, inshaAllah all the time. It's part of our daily lives.
Don't know how it goes down with non-Muslims. You think it's too much? Let me know, please. This could be interesting.
7. Waste/Annoying characters: Quite a few, as in all KJo films.
8. The kid who played Sameer [boy, this name is getting famous] did good.
9. The background score: First let me make it very clear that I cry easily at the movies. And so, yes, I cried a lot, okay? And not because of exceptional acting or beautiful emoting or brilliant dialogues or anything. Oh, no. It was the damn soaring music swells and crescendos! I'm telling you. Give me tragic music in scenes involving mothers and kids and nine times out of ten I'll cry, whether it's actually worth it or not. Mother-child relationships shown in extreme close up is the key to waterworks. And this movie didn't even have great mother-child scenes. WTF!!! Oh, that reminds me: that SRK's ma lady- she did good too, for the few minutes she was on screen.
9. SRK-Kajol chemistry? FAIL. What chemistry? Damp as a damp squib. These two can look good together admittedly, but in MNIK? Ha ha. Nothing doing. Yes, so SRK has Asperger's and can't do emotions, but then his character is more emotive than Kajol's so what's that all about? Her role is so badly written. *rolls eyes* Seriously, much more could have been done with their relationship which, in the film, was about as exciting as lukewarm tea.
10. FTW moments: Barkha Dutt cameo (!!!), policeman doing the 'I'm watching you' fingers-to-eyes thingy (!!!!), open house terrorist recruitment in posh mosque (heheheh, this took the cake), the whole Georgia episode, the 'perfect murder' of Sameer - until emotions get the better of kid next door and he spills the beans etc etc vageira vageira vageira. So many of these gems in all KJo movies.

TO SUM UP:
The movie, through all the nonsense and ridiculousness of the plot, manages to put its point across clearly I think: That police departments in the US are not big on sensitivity training. Ha ha. I jest.
No, MNIK wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be, which speaks volumes about the power of low expectations. For once I didn't feel like hitting out at a director because he made Muslims look like jerks or apologetic or defensive about everything. Also, for once I didn't feel like hitting SRK on the head. With a blunt object. Repeatedly.

And yes, in fact there ARE only two kind of peeps in the world: good and bad. It's that simple.

(I would like to mention that I do have this terrible headache ever since getting back from the cinema. And that doesn't happen when I like a fillum.)

Acting: Kajol- go back into retirement and stay there please; SRK, Jimmy Shergill, Sonya Jehan - good enough; kid Sameer, Ma - v. good; others - who cares
Story/Screenplay/Dialogues/Plot: Starts off okay and spirals down quickly into utter rubbish.
Music: Mehhhh.
Background score: Exploitative and over the top. Damn you.
Camera work: Pretty as usual
Mussalman angle: Musslamans like me get it and are not offended by it. The question is, when SRK chucks stones at evil doctor in mosque and says, "Shaitan!", will anyone else get it? :) [Refer 'stoning the devil' ritual performed during the Hajj.]

PostScript: Movie experience made more unenjoyable by random cell phones going off around me, random people answering these cell phones and then proceeding to have conversations on them, a group of young jerks cackling every time a black person came on screen, making loud remarks during quiet scenes (one girl in particular annoying me to extremes) and general rude behaviour of the common man in cinema. Thooo!

PPS: Hilarious and brilliant MNIK reviews by The Vigil Idiot and Fake Bal Thakre. Go to!
Here's The Great Bong with his 'Making Of' version.
And here's an interesting article by Mariana Pinto, whose son actually has Asperger's.

Great Bong Book Giveaway!

Book Kumpteeshun, more like.
All of you should know that the Great Bong is none other than a chappie called Arnab...Ray.
(Got worried for a bit? You thought it was Arnab Goswami, no? No.) It is Arnab Ray who is a writer of funny things.
Here's how you can participate in the contest. Go to the competition page on GreatBong's website where you will find that you can win a copy of his (yes, his very own!) debut writing treat, known as May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss!
------------------

The rules (more details on the contest page):

1. On your blog, provide a link to: http://greatbong.net/book

2. Go to the comment-space of this post and post your blog’s link so the Great Bong can go and read it.

-----------------------

I'm tagging: Basically Blah, IyerMatter, Good Gawde, 8ate, and Simply61 to take part and spread the words.

Here are my Top 10 Hindi fillum lines, in no particular order of awesomeness.

1. -Neeche aaja, betiiiii!
-Oopar aaja, motiiii! From 'Seeta Aur Geeta'. [Hema Malini, I love you.]

2. Yeh Teja Teja kya hai, yeh Teja Teja? - From Andaaz Apna Apna [ROFL! Crime Master Gogo]

3. Ab... goli kha. *dhishkyaaooon!* - Sholay, Gabbar Singh [No explanation needed]

4. Anand marta nahin. Anand marte nahin... - Anand [*sniffle* What. A. Fillum.]

5. Bhole, maana ladki romantic aur forward hai, par hai to khandani. - Padosan. [Yaahahaahah! Kishore Da, you are something else.]

6. Aap mere liye jagi? Aap mere liye jagi kyun? - Hum Aapke Hain Kaun [Many more cringe-inducing dialogues in this classic from beginning to end]

7. Maine cheerharan ka idea drop kar diya hai. - Naseeruddin Shah in Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro [Epic film, epic scene]

8. Aap police officer? Haaaaaahaha! Aap police officer nahin, foolish officer! EEESHHHH! - Golmaal [The whole movie is brilliant like this. Utpal Dutt, Amol Palekar awesomeness]

9. Daaga! Teja! Yeh karoron rupiya doosri tabaahiyon aur barbaadiyon ke kaamon mein lagaate raho. - Mr India [You HAVE to admire Mogambo's simple work ethic.]

10. Voh mein mast tel mein fry karke khaa gaya. - Hera Pheri [Babu Bhai and Chaman Jheengawala - How can you go wrong?]

So many other jewels to pass up on: Chupke Chupke, Chaalbaaz, Lamhe (Pallo!), Angoor etc.

Presenting.....THE VIGIL IDIOT!

Hallo! Have I found the world's best ever blog? Maybe I did just that.

Have a look-see yourself. Pee in your pants laughing even. Presenting Mr Sahil Rizwan's blog: The Vigil Idiot.

Many thanks to Suma who FBed this wonder thereby bringing it to my notice. Whence it has caught on like wildfire with countless friends across our social networks responding with ROFLs, LOLzzzz, LMAO and the newest variant, IMAO. One wishes Mr Rizwan well and one will wait and watch for more.

The Vigil Idiot is also listed on my blogroll now. I proclaim self as certified psycho stalker.

In local parlance: Kickasssssss!

The 'Presenting.....' Series

Have found perfect overdramatic animation-type pic to manipulate objects of admiration henceforth and make them mine... I am so kicked.

For example...Saab presents her latest 'friend' to the public. She found him one evening emerging from the ocean like so many Bo Dereks or Daniel Craigs. Saab was randomly taking a vacation in the Bahamas when fortuituously, this dream popped out of the water directly in her line of sight. The rest, as we know, is tabloid history.

Said eye candy's name is AK, which initials are coincidentally a very common occurrence in J&K, though in completely different scenarios.

See what I mean?

Anyway.

Footballers and Thumbs

Manchester United warming up. In all their thumbs' glory.

So, while going through (stealing) pics for compiling my various 'Celeb Look Alikes' post, I was reminded of a quaint little habit amongst the world's footballers. Viz. jogging with their thumbs up. So cute.
This is especially noticeable on match nights when after a ferocious offense, the players then fall back, jogging or backtracking slowly to their side of the pitch.
See, here you will find some photographic evidences, which I unearthed during my research.









Wayne Rooney



















Fernando Torres























Michael Ballack
And many others. Please keep your eyes open for this behaviour henceforth. Highly amusing. Sports is filled with wonder.

Oooh. Speaking of thumbs up. Couldn't resist: AKKI. Coming soon Khatron Ke Khiladi - Season 2.
What can I say? I like the guy.
I. Kid. You. Not.

Even More Celeb Lookalikes...

1. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga and Muhammad Ali

2. Adrian Grenier (Vince on Entourage) and Pistol Pete:

3. Divya Bharti (remember her?) and Sridevi (who doesn't?):
4. Andy Garcia and Dimitar Berbatov:5. Jim Caviezel and Eric Roberts:

I won't bother mentioning that painful new actress Sneha Ullal and the painful old one Aishwarya Rai.

More Celeb Lookalikes...

Here are more! Whee, what fun.

1. Matt Damon-Mark Wahlberg-Michael Ballack: Verrry obvious

2. Then: Debra Messing (of 'Will and Grace') and Pooja Batra (of.... err, of some Hindi fillums. That very good one with Anil Kapoor and Tabu where she is unceremoniously cast off as the foreign gal.)I know. Scary, isn't it?

3. Then: Aleem Dar and Waqar Younis: HALLO! This is on par scary with Helen and Leelee, as well as Debra-Pooja.

4. Next up we have Salman Ahmed from Junoon and Oded Fehr, the hot Medjai guy in The Mummy. Oh ho, see below.

5. Last one I remembered for today: Shannen 'Brenda Walsh' Doherty and apni Rani Mukerjee

Celeb Lookalikes

Apart from the obvious estranged father and son jodi, George Bush and Ricky Ponting, here are a few celebrities off the top off my head who totally look like one another. With suggested roles if ever cast together. Why hasn't it happened yet?

1. Brad Pitt and Benicio Del Toro: As hunky brothers









2. Rachel Weisz, Preity Zinta, Vyjantimala: Vyjanti-ji being mother and having one numbers desi legit girl child (Preity), and one numbers illegit firang girl child (Rachel).


3. Helen Hunt and Leelee Sobieski: Mother-daughter. (They're so similar it's creepy.)












4. Jack Black, Philip Seymour Hoffman: Brothers











5. Diane Lane and Jennifer Lopez: Seriously. Sisters.
Or cousins. Or aunt-niece, depending on makeup.








6. Robert Downey Jr and Javier Bardem: Be still my beating heart. Brothers.












7. Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts: They do look like one another, they do. It's not just the Aussie thing. Anyway, they could be sisters or something.
(Nicole has to stop the botox. She'll start looking like Renee Zellweger soon, the way the both of them are going.)


I'm pretty sure there's many more I can't remember just yet. It will come to me. In the meanwhile, please feel free to suggest.

Gulaal - Haven't watched it yet? But WHY????

Meaning go and watch immediately. One numbers standing ovation for Anurag Kashyap, and two numbers standing ovation for Piyush Mishra, the man in charge of music and lyrics. Kickasssssss.

Gulaal is a nice, hard sock in the solar plexus. Film noir and how. Everyone's the bad guy except poor Jesse Randhawa and Prithvi-Sa.
Here is a great review of the film on Culturazzi.org.

My standouts from Gulaal:
1. Prithvi Sa - PIYUSH MISHRA himself! *ceetees*
2. Kay Kay Menon - Love this man. LOVE him. He can be so bad.
3. Abhimanyu Singh: Plays Rannanjay/Rann Sa. Searing-hot good till he's unceremoniuosly bumped off.
3. The man playing Jhadwaal. Badass only. Loved his filmy jokes and his stupid cronies laughing on cue. (What's with all these men in the hostel room in their undies only? I have a feeling it's realistic. Eeeks. Thank the Lord again that I am a girl-items.)
4. Lady playing Madhuri: Very fine. Kind of not completely there upstairs. 'Mein Tabu jaisi dikhti hoon?' and all sorts of Tabu songs playing in her room. Naaansense only!
5. Little sister Kiran: Eeeeeevil woman. Little firecracker only.
6. The music and lyrics - Oh me, oh my. Goose pimples only.

MR INDIA – A masterpiece for all time

So, I was watching this fantastic piece of work the other day. AGAIN. Obviously this was one of my childhood favourites but I missed a million things back then. Every repeat viewing of Shekhar Kapur's 1987 cult classic Mr India always throws up brilliant new hilarities for me.

Here are a few points, characters, writing angles I loved (some of which I didn't really notice earlier):
1. Calendar, the cook- His character is decidedly and brilliantly gay! Satish Kaushik is so bleddy wonderful with his subtle nuances. Love the scene where he goes to Lala Roopchand's ration shop and makes eyes at him. Calendar's role is great: underplayed, loveable and no-nonsense in his domain. (To the embarrassing KJo-SRK-Saif school of ‘humour’ where homosexuality is just another tasteless joke: Take a lesson.)

2. Annu Kapoor as Mr Gaitonde, the frazzled editor of... wait for it!.... CRIMES OF INDIA. Hahahahahahaaa. Love it when we get to Sridevi's (Yayyy! My fave!) intro scene. Annu Kappoor asks his clerk/assistant/somesuch where she is... by making a really quick gesture indicating a plump woman. Oh, boy, that cracked me up. Gaitonde meeting Mr India is to-die-for.

3. The brilliant, brilliant Sridevi. Unabashedly and refreshingly "healthy-figured", as they say in Khosla Ka Ghosla, fantastic at comedy, and of course, a standard sultry segment in saree as per director's orders. Sri Scenes to die for: Barely able to stand Mr Gaitonde at work. Eating fresh fruit off her fruit-hat as Ms Hawa Hawaii just before the mad, mad song. As Charlie Chaplin in the unfriendly neighbourhood gambling adda. Totally infuriated with the kids at home. Heart-breaking when the poor rascals are hungry. And so on and so forth.

3. Absolutely love the ultimate badass of Hindi cinema, our favourite megalomaniac Mogambo, in his black breeches and gold trimmings. Not to mention the unfortunate strawberry-blonde hairdo with curl on forehead. "Mogambo khush huaaaa!" with big, big eyes. And, "Hail Mogambo!" screaming his lackeys. Too much. Amrish Puri was a superstar.

4. The names of Mogambo's henchmen and other assorted baddies. Here we are: Dr Foo Man Chu, Captain Zorro (but pronounced Zoh-roh), Daaga, Teja, Mr Wolcott. Tee heee, titter.

5. Arun Bhaiyya – Anil Kapoor’s sweet fiddler with the beige-brown ensemble and floppy hat. I think I’ve loved him ever since. (Yes, even in disasters like Roop Ki Rani, No Entry and Welcome.) Him and bhabhi Sri make a great couple, nein? That doesn’t sound right but it’s true.

6. All the kids. Esp. little Ahmed Khan. And Tina, the little babe who is lost to us. Nooooooo!!!! Tear-jerker only that scene is.

6. The top item on any kid’s wishlist – an invisibility formula! Or, as they keep on saying in this film: ‘faarmyoolaah’. Big red-blue-gold flashing blingy watch-like apparatus though it was, it worked! I tell you, it worked...

7. Snappy, fun dialogue throughout the film. Like matter of fact exchanges between Arun and Calendar where Arun explains to the chubby cook that there is a fine line between sleeping and dying. Gaitonde meeting Mr India, but of course.

8. Wonderful music by Laxmikant-Pyarelal. (And background score too.) ‘Zindagi ki yehi reet hai,’ the fun parody song with the kids and Sridevi, and the most amazing song of all time….. ‘HAWA HAWAII’! Wait, this song deserves an independent mention.

9. HAWA HAWAII: The magnificent piece de resistance of Mr India. Bringing a smile, then a giggle and finally healthy guffaws to thousands of amused viewers over the years. Kavita Krishnamurti and Sridevi dazzle in this, the funniest Hindi song of all-time. Am putting the video and lyrics up. Enjoy. Took a fair bit of trouble transcribing.

The choreography is kidney-splitting good. Sri slaps, Sri expressions, the backup dancers’ reactions, the costumes, the words…. Mmmmpppfffff. *applause*



Hawa Hawaii

(Sri appears in extreme bling gold, crown and all)

HAWA HAWAII!
Ah, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui. [Ample backside wiggle]
HAWA HAWAII!
Ah, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! [Nutty expressions!!]

Priceless INTRO: (Check out Sri’s face throughout!)
Cheeee-hawwwwwww….
Aaahhhhh, Honoluluuuuuu, [batting lids]
Loo-loo-loo-loooooo, Honoluluuuuu….
Hing-pickeee, Hong Kong, King Kong… [extreme melodrama]
I see Lucy, you see Lucyyyyyy
Assi tussi Lassi pisiiiii [dance-walk and a quick-jerk flourish with mike]
Mombasaaaa…… Ping pong…..! [THAT face]

Ooi, ooi, ooi, ooi, ooi, ooi, ooi.


Laki chiki laki chiki, chiki laki choom
Rrrrup chiki laki chiki, chiki laki chiki choom
Laki chiki laki chiki, chiki laki choom
Rrrrup chiki laki chiki, chiki laki chiki choom

Main khwaabon ki shahzaadi,
Main hoon har dil pe chhaayi! (2)
Baadal hain meri zulfen,
Bijli meri angdaai

Fantastic CHORUS:
Bijli giraane main hoon aai!
Ho, bijli giraane main hoon aai!
Kehte hain mujhko: Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!) [Feathers up nose]
Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii, Hawa Hawaiiiiii! (ooooh-oooh-oooh-oooh)
[Sri swings around, slaps backing dancers and apologises – FUNNNEEE!]
(Repeat CHORUS)

[Costume change: Greco-Roman-esque dress, but with bling intact. Backing dancers in fantastic fluorescent polystyrene tribal gear]

Zum zum zum zum

Samjhe kya ho naadaanon? (Zum zum zum zum)
Mujhko bholi na jaanon (Zum zum zum zum)
Main hu saanpon ki raani, [Weirdass snake move]
Kaanta maange na paani,
Saagar se moti chheenoon,
Deepak se jyoti chheenoon, [cigar steal]
Patthar se aag laga loon, [nutso face again]
Seene se raaz chura loon,
Haan! Chura loon, chura loon, [Messing with bad guy Wolcott]
Haan haan chura loon (rum pum pum pum)

Jeeno jo tumne baat chhupaai
Ho, jaanoon jo tumne baat chhupaai
Kehte hain mujhko: Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii, Hawa Hawaiiiiii! (ooooh-oooh-oooh-oooh)
Bijli giraane main hoon aai!
Kehte hain mujhko: Hawa Hawaii [Fanning self to indicate ‘Hawa’]

Chiki laki chiki, chiki laki choom
Rrrrup chiki laki chiki, chiki laki chiki choom
Puck chiki laki chiki, chiki laki choom
Rrrrup chiki laki chiki, chiki laki chiki choom

[SLO-MO DANCE Sequence!!! Followed by staccato Mediterranean dance bit.
Background dancers have now morphed into habshis with harem pants and sleeveless waistcoats. Sri in gaudy ‘80s splendour.]

[Bum shake again]
Zum zum zum zum

Laai rangeen afasaane (Zum zum zum zum)
Tu bhi sunle, deevaane (Zum zum zum zum)
Aa dil mein halchal kar doon
Aa tujhko paagal kar doon
Meri aankhon mein jaadu
Meri saanson mein kushboo [Heaving chest and all]
Jab mera ye tan lachke [falls back and misses bad guy]
Jaaye na koi bachke
Koi bachke, bachke, bachke, [Messing with bad guy]
Haan haan ji bachke (rum pum pum pum)

Soorat hi maine aisi paai [Cross-eyed funs]
Ho, soorat hi maine aisi paai, [wave dance!!!]
Kehte hain mujhko: Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii, Hawa Hawaiiiiii! (ooooh-oooh-oooh-oooh)
Bijli giraane main hoon aai! [nonsense pointing here and there]
Ho, bijli giraane main hoon aai!
Kehte hain mujhko: Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!) [Fanning self]
Hawa Hawaii (Hawa Hawaii!)
Hawa Hawaii, Hawa Hawaiiiiii! (ooooh-oooh-oooh-oooh)

HAWA HAWAII!
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! [Head weaving]
HAWA HAWAII!
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!]
HAWA HAWAII!
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! [Egyptian move meets disaster]
HAWA HAWAII!
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui! [Hands in a twist]

[Ridiculous dance moves till final slap by Bad Guy]

Hurrahs, and well done.

This new cricket buzz...

The ICL series has come and gone in a heartbreaking fashion. I will of course, not mention the events that brought the series to a close. I tend to block bad memories out. (Damn and blast.)

IPL just taking off. Let's see how this goes. As of now, all I can pray for is that Shah Rukh Khan stop inviting Arjun Rampal to matches with him if he's going to act like an absolute jackass. Which is what he's been doing on both occasions so far. (Mr Rampal, what's with that hair? Were you too busy sucking up to Shah Rukh Khan to notice he finally chopped his embarrassing attempt a whiles ago? Or are you trying to oull a Milind Soman? Because that would be truly hilarious... )
And, SRK: Vivek Oberoi? Seriously?
Anyway. So the Kolkata Knight Riders are two for two, and Bangalore finally managed a win tonight. In thrilling Mark Boucher-ish fashion.
We shall watch with interest to see if all the hoopla is sustained.
In the meanwhile, Life carries on.
And Boomsa is walking a little way away from mine. To Secunderabad. Maudlin, painful, silly post to follow on that. Which won't even begin to cover it.
I mean, I know and up and left for Mumbai last December, but does that mean anyone else can? NO....
Bwaiiiii, Anupam.

Mumbai: Life in a Metro

"The future is called 'perhaps', which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you."
~Tennessee Williams, Orpheus Descending, 1957

My trip to Mumbai has been a little life-changing, to put it lightly. Apart from the regular touristy stuff I pulled off when over there, I managed to fit in an interview and landed a job offer. After a couple of days of deep mental unrest and heavy brainstorming, I have decided to move bag, baggage, life and books from Bangalore to Mumbai.Meaning, I am leaving comfortable, tiny, traffic-jammed Bangalore and shifting base to new, intimidating, noisy, fast, big-ass Mumbai.

And now, about the trip itself. Which started the previous Thursday evening, after a harrowing, adventure-filled delay on Bangalore roads [read as horrendous, hair-tearing, inexplicable traffic jam] causing me to miss my flight and force me to purchase a brand new tickety-boo at the airport. Gaaak. The trip hadn't even begun and I was already down a cool 4k.
Anyway. Landed late-nightish at the airport where hostess of the year Shobhanaaaahahaaahaaa was awaiting my arrival. (She had her i-Pod for company so Indian Airlines/Mumbai Airport Authorities were spared her wrath at the landing delay.) During my stay in Mumbai, Shobs acted as a very professional local Raju-guide. She also graciously invited me to move in with her and her roomies [who are both also lovely ladies, and originally from JNC, Bangalore] once I leave Bangalore. This is, not to put too fine a a point upon it, a huge relief. Shobs was full to overflowing with useful advice, funny hair/clothes/Bombay-bimbette stories, amusing work-related anecdotes and personal tales of great intrigue and human-interest. I had much, much fun.
Other than that, spent lovely day catching up with Bones at her digs and loafing around her part of town. We went for Om Shanti Om and laughed our eyeballs out. Loved her apartment. Bones ordered in momos and we had a delicious midnight dinner over gossip and reminiscings. Brad Pitt was discussed in great detail. It has also been decided that in case of any unforeseen emergency or me going financially bust, Bones will have to step up to the plate and mother me till I'm all better.

Shro joined me after her Goa trip on Sunday evening as per precision pre-planning at Mocha, Bangalore. I collected her and we headed towards her mad, mad, mad,mad cousin Mithai's home. Had a great, fun evening, heavenly homemade dinner [salaad, chingdi-maach, masoor dal, mung-sho and bhaat], chatted long into the night and fell asleep happily at the end of it all.
The next day we had planned to hit downtown Mumbai. Dropped off some stuff at Shro's friend's place in the 'burbs, met her gorgeous, cute as hell boxers, and messed around with them for a while. That's the lady D with Shro on the left, and on the right we see her brother K looming in the foreground while she hogs the chewy-ball.

Shobs, Titla and I decided to rendezvous in Bandra, take the local and hit 'town'. This was the first time Titla travelled by local train and she looked like a kid in a candy store. It has to be admitted that there was much to amuse us on our journey, such as this fantastic advert for PRTTY BEAUTY PARLOUR on the wall of our carriage. The most promising service they seem to provide is probably the 'Full Body Blech'. I have take down their number and will be their most ardent patron once I move. Must also try their 'menicur' and 'pedicur'. Sounds like they are dog-lovers. Good.

Anyway, we reached Colaba, had a stopover at Café Mondegar [or 'Mondy's', as they say in Mumbai] and I am totally smitten by the place. Very Bangalore feel from the music, ambience and food. I shall be gong here a lot, inshaAllah.The rest of the evening was spent on heavy shopping along Colaba Causeway for knicks and knacks. When we were almost ready to drop, we decided to 'drop' in at the darling Theo Broma, a Parsi patisserie on the same street, and got some life back into our tired legs. We decided to wind up for the day and cabbed it back to the 'burbs.
Interesting aside: On Colaba Causeway, every evening around sunset, a kind man comes along with a bag full of meats and he distributes this among the waiting street cats AND dogs. Who, by the way, are totally unfazed by each other, never fight and live quietly side-by-side on the roads. It was beautiful to see. Neither species batted an eyelid nor made a sudden, homicidal lunge towards the other. The cats were especially blasé about the whole coexistence thing.
We spent some time post-sunset on breezy Marine Drive watching the hep middle-aged aunties in their micro-shorts and toned legs walking their dogs. Middle-aged hep uncles were power-walking with earphones and a look of earnest intent. Whatte fun.

I'll summarise the next few days now. It's getting bleddy boring.

So, after we were done with town, Shro and I covered the Bandra shopping hotspots [Linking Road, Hill Road, Pali Naaka]. We ate at some nice places like Pop Tate's, Just Around the Corner, 5 Spice and shamelessly crashed a very fancy beach-front lounge bar/restaurant called Aurus for a friend of a friend's Happy Birthday party. I spotted many celebrities, wannabe-celebrities, wannabe-seens and has-beens in only 5 days on the streets. Obviously there's more excitement on the way.
Before we knew it, it was time to leave. And I am back in comfortable, pleasantly cold, tiny, homely Bangalore to pack up my underwear bag and other essentials.

As to what the future holds, who knows. Let's play it by the ear. I trust the Upstairs to look out for me.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

-Corrie Ten Boom

Saawariya - A review

Saawariya
-A film by Sanjay Leela Bhansali

Went and watched Saawariya late last night. As expected, it did not meet my expectations. At the same time it is not a total write off like so many reviews are spouting. That’s because these are Sanjay-Leela-Bhansali-scale expectations. Expectations of magical, heart-wrenching stories or moments within those stories at least. So, obviously, an anti-climax was expected.

This time round our favourite paan-chewing director fails to recreate the deep emotional connect he managed with his earlier films. Yes, it’s a beautiful film. The aesthetics are stunning. The grand sets [very European/St Petersburg feel created with the cobblestones, the canals, the rain, then snow etc- the official site says the attempt was to recreate Shimla. Hmmm.], the gorgeous flowy costumes, the fantastic background score and mellow songs all please the senses immensely. I love the black-blue-green ambience of the movie. There are no day scenes. Rani Mukerjee dazzles in her substantial special appearance. “I likes.” Salman Khan doesn’t have much to do and he does it very well. But the backbone of any film is its screenplay. And that’s where our man SJB has really fallen short. Ranbir and Sonam just don’t have enough to work with, but within the limited scope of their characters, they’ve done well enough.

The film has a very weak screenplay, mediocre dialogue and absolutely minimal character development. Dostoevsky’s White Nights is translated well in totum I suppose, but the heart is missing. And that is not what one wants in a(n) SJB film.

Each of his films in the past have moved me considerably. I loved Khamoshi, Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, Devdas [in spite of the King of Ham act] and Black. There are memorable magic scenes in each of his films. I have cried hard while watching them.

Saawariya just doesn’t move you. There is ample scope for showing the angst, pathos, poignancy and other like soul-searing emotions in the story. But it never happens. Also, a distinct lack of chemistry between Ranbir and Sonam, it has to be said. If one could be made to feel so strongly the interesting frisson between Ash and Ajay D [a most mismatched duo] in HDDKS, Saawariya and its cute leading pair should have been an easy couple-de-grace. But nein, nyet, nada, naaaahiiiiii…nnn. There were scenes aplenty where the magic could have happened, where I was willing it to happen, but ‘twas not to be. (On the other hand there were definitely some cringe-embarrassing-enough-already-scenes, but all SJB movies have that. Really. They do. It’s just that the other portions of the story so overshadow these little flaws that one always comes out with a thumbs up at the end of the movie, having forgotten about the over-the-top eccentricities.)

In Saawariya, the only portion that really grabbed me was the interesting Sonam-Salman side story. Now that had some feel. Genuine, like. And maybe one or two other moments.

Ranbir’s character should have been ranging the whole gamut of emotions from highs to lows but he didn’t seem too affected at any point in the film. Even casual in some places. Similarly, Sonam’s character was inexplicably vague and almost flaky at times. There are scenes where both of them are very good. Give them a solid character and good dialogues and they’ll probably both do very well. Let’s wait and watch.

Rani’s character thankfully was slightly interesting and well writ. She was her usual brilliant self, completely into her role and a treat to watch. I’m heavily biased towards this Bengali ever since Saathiya. No objectivity here.

Salman Khan didn’t annoy me in his cameo which means he must have been quite good. I love these quiet, understated roles for him. The lesser the dialogue, the better.

Now on to other things.

Music: Very, very nice. The melodies are wonderful. There are lovely variations and unpredictable turns in the songs I enjoyed a lot.
My favourite track of the film is Jab se tere naina. The song is very nice on the ears. Shaan is superlative. Yes, this is the famous Ranbir towel song. I didn’t much take to his pelvic dance, but I totally appreciate a lean, fit bod, hairless chest [thank God] and very sweet Neetu Singh smile. Just to clarify once and for all: Ranbir DOES drop the towel but the camera zooms in lightning fast and OUR modesty is preserved. You can make out a nicely toned curvature at the top of the posterior, butt that’s it. Okay? Enough already. Anyway, in the SJB dramatic scheme of things, it doesn’t seem weird. The song is meant to convey, “Look here, this is a fine, sweet, saucy looking boy in lurrrve” and it does just that.

All other songs are beautiful. I esp enjoyed Thode Badmaash, Daras Bina, and Rani’s fun number Chabeela. Oh, and the beginning of the Saawariya reprise. Very good.

The background score ties in smoothly and softly with the visuals. There are many of the SJB magnum opus staples: payal chhan-chhans, classical raagas, tabla movementss and elaborate string arrangements running in the background throughout the movie.

The look of the movie, like I mentioned before, is beauteous. SJB intends to create a rich, dark water colour painting and the sets, costumes and colours all combine to do this very well. Interestingly, SJB has himself designed some of the costumes. And a bit of the music.
But, but, but, he also wrote the screenplay and he can’t excuse himself there.
Hai, afsos.

I didn’t regret watching Saawariya. It was definitely worth a watch and an SJB film warrants the big screen. At the end of the day, I think it’s just a victim of those horrible old beasts: Great Expectations, and What Could Have Been.

Review ends.

Very good. Now that the chinkaras have been avenged, let's throw him inside for a few more years for running over human beings. You know, our kind.
When's that judgment going to come across in that case? What is the window period in this country for a person to actually be sentenced for his crime. Not intent/possible crime [I'm a Sanjay Dutt admirer, okay?], but an actual occurrence. Like, say, events which leave dead bodies in their wake. Hmmph.


And now, on a very mature note: Salman Khan should be jailed just for his sideburns. What's with them? They're almost as long as he is tall. Gaaaaak.

Very good.